"But Gary, you can change your life around..."
No. No I can't. I'm not sure why I can't, it might be because I say/know that I can't. It might be because of some psychological problems, or some chemical deficiency in my brain.
Or it might be because not everyone has a good life. And it seems that some of us are meant to have a bad life.
And for those of us it doesn't matter how hard we try, how smart we are, or how nice we are - We will always fall. We are the bottom feeders. Scrounging to get by. And when you're surviving like that, having your spirits raised (even a little bit) can cause terrible depression once that hope has dispersed and you realize that you're still falling.
I had a good dream a few nights ago, and within 3 seconds of opening my eyes, I wanted to kill myself. It's a pain in the ass. It really is. I'm usually apathetic towards my life, but after a brief glimpse of 'what could have been' (or whatever) I begin to completely loathe living. It's completely fucking ridiculous.
See...on xanax I didn't think this much. Fucking Detox. (NEVER AGAIN)