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|Wednesday, January 25th, 2012|
|Wednesday, October 14th, 2009|
I'm seven or eight years older than I was when I began this journal. You'd think I'd be more mature and well rounded by now, that is, unforunately, not the case at all. I'm in the same position. Doesn't seem to matter how much I want anything, or how much I work. I always end up back at rock bottom. A while ago I said something along the lines of not bothering getting back up when I hit the bottom because you can't fall when you're already on your back. I should have listened to my own advice.
|Tuesday, December 11th, 2007|
Is it wrong that I want to kill a human being? I don't think so. I believe that every single one of us has the potential and urge to destroy at least one person that has wronged him or her. Lately I have been falling asleep whilst contemplating murder. The surprising (or not-so-surprising [if you know me]) thing is that it doesn't bother me at all. Everyday that passes the desire to shoot a motherfucker in the head or back grows stronger. Of course if I were to ever act on these urges, I'd turn the gun on myself shortly thereafter - which kinda bums me out. I have respect for the Harris's and Klebolds out there, but I fucking envy the Berkowitzs and Ramirezs that hide amongst the masses. They are the people who act on their urges and seem to just brush it off of their shoulders. Incredible. Fucking amazing.
|Wednesday, January 10th, 2007|
Angels with silver wings, need to know suffering. I wish I could give the pain to you.
If God has a master plan, that only he understands. I hope it's my eyes he's seeing through.
Angels once before, are ethereal no more. What does life have in store today?
If there's a glimpse of hope, then I can try to cope. Goddamnit this shit is really gay.
Depression is greeted, Time to get skeeted. Look what the fuck you put me through.
Thing get damaged, I am now broken. I wish those words hadn't been spoken to you.
|Saturday, June 3rd, 2006|
So. I am jobless again for the time being. Living with my girlfriend (think I am allowed to call her that now). I've recently tried cutting back on the drugs, TRIED. But it seems to be working. Baby Steps - and Bud Light. Either how, Life was getting boring, so I've taken up Poaching! I've successfully hooked 4 gators, gotten one close to shore, but his death roll broke our line! Soon Though. Very Soon. Currently Self Employed, looking for another job that doesn't involve mopping or irrigation. Applying for Financial Aid from the Federal Gov so that I can become a chemist and manufacture Ecstacy Pills. Muahahaha. I haven't been on a computer for god knows how long, and NO ONE is on AIM. On top of that, it's not my comp, so I can't look at porn! What a depressing night.
Here's my number (you should know the area code)
a + b= x
b - y = a
|Thursday, January 12th, 2006|
|May a motherfucker fail at everything a motherfucker attempts
Only 21 years, already pursued by peers. Irresponsibility mixed with bitches equals a vicious barrage of wicked jeers. Pipe dreaming, Steady Scheming but in reality you don't know shit. Watch me rise from my ashes bitch - You'll never amount to shit. It'll be funny when I have all the money, and you're living in a ditch. I Wish I didn't have to do all this - It'll be a bit of work. But to sink you motherfucker, best believe I'll put in work.
|Tuesday, August 30th, 2005|
|Aw shit I done fucked up
I'm trying to update this for a particular person to read, because I apparently don't write enough interesting stuff in my journal anymore (Not my fault that my life is dull as hell, aside from playing with cleaning supplies occaisonally or driving to the airport). I do the same shit everyday. I'm so fuckin tired of smoking weed and doing nothing else. I'ma try to keep this a positive entry, but I don't have much positive stuff to talk about. I have one nice thing in my life, but I'm not sure for how much longer - which sorta sucks a lot of ass...a lot. But I guess I have to enjoy it while it lasts...
Sold my gun, so now I can't shoot myself in the head...goddamnit. Shoulda thought that through more. Have to find a new job as soon as I can so that I can take Meghan to Busch Gardens and do some more beans with her. Or something.
Hurry Up Sunday. Current Mood: worried
|Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005|
|Hollowtips in the clip to make sure we get em
I bought a 380 auto. It holds 8 in the clip and 1 in the chamber. I'd like it to hold like 3,000 rounds in the clip - but that's unrealistic. Oh well. I'm still strapped. Now I just need someone to shoot at. Current Mood: cold
|Friday, July 8th, 2005|
|What if the worst case...was there in the first place?
Soon to be up on some Oxy's, can't copy my style. Detox couldn't stop me, I took it and smiled. Now I'm back to set the record straight, 20 before - now its up to poppin 38. Mothafucka I eat em up.
I come from the D-U-V ALL where we crush them tramadols. No point in ibuprofen, I drop 3 bottles an won't fall. Doctors checkin out my file "He's got a high BP! More cc's for Money G" Too bad its phenobarb in the vial.
|Wednesday, June 15th, 2005|
|Wednesday, May 25th, 2005|
Today I decided that I am going to move out of here within the next week. I'm gonna stay with Hat in his 2 bedroom apartment. We've been over there the last few days playing system link Halo 2. I had never played it system linked prior to last night. It's pretty fuckin sweet. That's why I get home at like 5am. Anyhow. Shazam
|Wednesday, May 18th, 2005|
So, I saw Episode III a few hours ago. Hell Yeah. NO Boba Fett through : (
|Saturday, April 16th, 2005|
|Monday, March 28th, 2005|
|I really hate dreams.
On the rare occaison that I actually have a vivid dream, it's usually one about a life too perfect for me, and I always wake up in my shitty existence with my mother yelling at me. I hate dreams because they show me everything that I can't have, and everything that I've already lost. They are a constant reminder of how off course my life has turned. It's like I'm watching what could have been, or what would have been if not for my stubborness and stupidity.
"But Gary, you can change your life around..."
No. No I can't. I'm not sure why I can't, it might be because I say/know that I can't. It might be because of some psychological problems, or some chemical deficiency in my brain.
Or it might be because not everyone has a good life. And it seems that some of us are meant to have a bad life.
And for those of us it doesn't matter how hard we try, how smart we are, or how nice we are - We will always fall. We are the bottom feeders. Scrounging to get by. And when you're surviving like that, having your spirits raised (even a little bit) can cause terrible depression once that hope has dispersed and you realize that you're still falling.
I had a good dream a few nights ago, and within 3 seconds of opening my eyes, I wanted to kill myself. It's a pain in the ass. It really is. I'm usually apathetic towards my life, but after a brief glimpse of 'what could have been' (or whatever) I begin to completely loathe living. It's completely fucking ridiculous.
See...on xanax I didn't think this much. Fucking Detox. (NEVER AGAIN) Current Mood: My moods like 'Fuck it'
|Sunday, March 13th, 2005|
|Crippin Aint Easy
I'm loc'd to the fullest like a goddamn nutcase
With two fresh blue rags tied on my face
Fruitfully thinking with my gangsta mentality
To bringin' this Crip shit from the streets to reality
They call me the big
Bad-ass Blue Rag who sag
And carry a 4-4 mag
Cause it's a fee, a fi, a fo, a fum
I smell a Slob
So now it's time I kill me one
I shoulda joined CRIP a long time ago....::sigh:: Current Mood: Loc'd Out
|Friday, March 4th, 2005|
|The Hate U Gave Lil Infants Fucks Everybody
"Did you hear about the rose that grew from a crack
in the concrete.
Proving nature's laws wrong, it learned to walk
without having feet.
Funny it seems, but by keeping its dreams, it learned to breathe fresh air. Long live the rose that grew from the concrete, when nobody else cared"
-Tupac Shakur Current Mood: Zombified
|Tuesday, March 1st, 2005|
|Will there ever be peace?
I just called a Detox 24/7 line and talked to the guy for like 30 minutes, so I'm going to hopefully be able to do this. I know I'll be able to, I just need to not get hooked on it again. It was weird calling a random person and talking about my problems, but it actually helped. Biggie Smalls is a sneavlin piece of shit and I hope he rots in hell. (Off Topic, but Tupac forever). I took a lot of xanax tonight, like $20 so hopefully when they drawl all the blood I won't care. I'm not gonna mention weed problems, for they will try to get me off of it as well.
I've got a part of me saying not to go to rehab, its ridiculous. Its saying that I'm jump right back on xanax. I'm fightin it though. 'Peace, are you out of your fucking mind? Fuck Peace! I can't ever have peace until I clean up this mess I made, until I cleaned up the dirt I dropped. Til Everyone else I owe has peace. And on top of that, I'm gonna end up owing a shitload of money.
There is a wall I wish I could break down, but it's completely different situation (not the drugs). The eyes are to the window to the soul, so I don't give a fuck about apathetic hmms, and mms. I'm gonna go for it, I'll be like David Hassellhoff on the Berlin wall. And once that 'wall' is down, there will be peace. All I need is a sign. Current Mood: I'm turning myself into Detox
|Sunday, February 27th, 2005|
|Lord Have Mercry, Father help us all.
So life is full of ups and downs, mostly downs in my cases, but lately it's been up. The last two weeks I've been strung out on Xanax (I thought today's date was the 19th), Coming home tonight Iitried some stupid shit and my transmission didnt respond correctly, and I ended up basically totalling my car. The cops were searching me because I was shaking so much, but I explained to them it was the first time I've been searched. They found nothing. So, My car is fucked, it's been my source of weed and xanax for the last (god knows how long). I drive people around for gas money, and buy xanax...thats over now. NO car. How can I get to work. I owe $115 for a ticket, plus JEA is gonna call me to tell me how much i hae to pay for hitting on of thr giant street lights. I realized walking home that I need to change, a lot. I ended up talking to a homeless guy and he gave me cigarettes, and we talked for a while bfore I came home.
Bottom Line is this : I'm going to go into rehab (in a day or two once I get my insurance fixed). I hope i can stand the rehab, I don't know what I'm going to do about the ticket, JEA, or car insurance bill, but life is not a blessing - it is a test. So I'll figure it out. Hopefully.
AND my laptop doesnt wanna work anymore, and I need some inspiration or something. But Gary is voluntarily going to rehab to get off of the Alprazolam (xanax). ( I aint gonna quit smoking weed though). Wish me luck. Cuz Now I got absolutely nothing except a lil hope that i'll get to see some people before rehab. goodnight, I'm sorry to my real friends for being an addict, it makes me happy, but I'm willing to chnage for the better of everyone (and hoefully to show "some girls") that I am more than apothead addict. We'll see. Current Mood: anxious
|Saturday, February 26th, 2005|
To those of you saying to quit:
Potential isn't shit without the right mental, And my mental mainframe aint capable of taken the pain, it's strange to me how everyone can cope with alcohol, but they consider alprazolam dope (cha). So what if there's potentional when I don't have hope (cha), It's like being suicidal without any rope. (to hang yourself with)
Hopes up, hopes down, thrown around, will I hit the ground? I really hope its not just mind games, cause being on xanax is making me lame. We'll see what happens, if it happens at all. It could change my life or make me fall, no pressure, whatever it's aight , I'll roll a blunt, even the most ambigous weed won't get you high.
To My Homeboys:
I aint shit without my homeys, always loanin me money. When I'm lonely we'll cruz the strip an holla at honeys. Smoke weed everyday, but I'm changing, I'm changing way too much lately. Hangin with the dealers, ridin people for the shit, aint been hangin the same ol' clique. Called to say whats up, but I was a lil strung out, if I was sober we prolly woulda hung out. I'm trying to get better, so we'll see what happens, don't except to much, ot you'll ne laughin.
|Friday, February 25th, 2005|
|I'd rather be yo a N.I.G.G.A. So we can drunk amd smoke weed all day
Guy came through with plenty of alprozam, and i've been on it os hard that, i thought today was the 18 or 19th. I told my mom i don't really give a fuckm i'm gonna roll with it, If something inspires me to quit, it might work, i'm fucked up. goodnight to all my true thugs, ballas, and hustlas.
|Tuesday, February 15th, 2005|
|Play a game of russian roullette and have a blast
All the words are in my head, but like, I can't get them out. I want xanax, but I don't have money for it, and I'm pretty sure the guy is out of it, so now the itching starts. I was sleeping in my car and shit, then went to Gainesville to try and get off xanax (and have a place to sleep). Lyuba said it was cool if i crashed at her big ass house, so I pawned my Gamecube again, and dipped out. I was nervous the entire way to Gainesville, because I haven't seen Lyuba since before I dropped out, and that was to only to lend her a W.E.B. DuBois book. We talk online a lot though, so it was actually pretty relaxing the entire time. I fell down some stairs, because karma is a bitch, but thats beyond the point. TV seems so boring now, as does weed, I didn't even want xanax until I got back to Jacksonville. Fucking goddamnit. More Cops, More Walking, Less Weed, More Expensive and Less Cigarettes, More crowds of people...but It's better than being in Jacksonville.
Thanks. Current Mood: grateful
|Sunday, November 14th, 2004|
|Thursday, September 16th, 2004|
|Friday, September 10th, 2004|
|Tuesday, July 13th, 2004|